Ian’s Pacifica Journal

It’s election time again, and the future of civilization hinges upon you personally making the right choices.* To help you decide I will call upon my unique qualifications, including 2 semesters of Community College and diploma from the Hyena School of Comedy.

This year we have so much to vote on that we have a special four-sided ballot (not sure what that looks like but you’d better brush up on your origami.) So let’s roll up our sleeves, attach our nasal clothespins and get to work.

John McCain and Sarah Palin like to use the word “mavericks”. One thing Pacificans know about Mavericks is that the waves there are enormous - it would eat them alive! Therefore I am endorsing the only candidate that would have a chance, Barack Obama, who was a Hawaiian surf bum in High School.

Jackie Speier is the obvious choice for Representative, because she is hotter than Sarah Palin and can pronounce nuclear.

Pacifica is in the 19th State Assembly District, and although no one is exactly sure what a State Assembly District is, everyone I know is voting for Jerry Hill, because he comes to a lot of Pacifica events and has a really cool beard.

Prop 1A is for high-speed rail, which is like the Ocean Shore railroad but much faster and with less falling into the ocean. Vote yes.

Prop 2 would require that farm animals have enough room to stretch their limbs. Anyone who votes no should be forced to live out the rest of their lives in an economy airline seat. Vote yes.

Prop 3 is for Children’s Hospitals. I love children, but they make terrible doctors. Vote no.

Prop 4 would require pregnant teenagers to notify Sarah Palin.  Vote no.

Prop 5 mandates that rather than locking up nonviolent drug offenders, they would be required to crash on Amy Winehouse’s couch. Vote yes.

Prop 6 would designate half of the state’s population as prison guards and the other half as prisoners. Vote no.

Prop 7 would mandate renewable energy which sounds great but everyone is against it,  including both political parties, the Sierra Club, and my barber. I’d better recommend a no vote or my next haircut could be scary.

Prop 8, also known as “Gavin’s Law”, eliminates the right of gays to marry, denying them the opportunity to suffer like the rest of us. Vote no.

Prop 9 would keep criminals in prison longer. With the economy tanking, it would be a greater deterrent to release them early. Vote no.

Prop 10: see prop 7, add T. Boone Pickens. Vote no.

Prop 11 changes the way districts are drawn up. Right now it is done by monkeys with darts. Under Prop 11 it would be done by different monkeys. I have no monkey preference.

Prop 12 provides assistance to veterans. It is supported by everyone except those who secretly wish we had lost World War II. Vote yes.

Measures Q and R would tax parking facilities and vehicle rental businesses in unincorporated San Mateo County if such things exist. Vote yes.

Now on to the stuff Pacificans really care about (judging by yard sign quantity), starting with the school board. We have 3 candidates running for 2 seats: Eileen Manning-Villar, Cynthia Kaufman and Laurie Frater. I will refrain from endorsements because all three are highly qualified and dedicated women, even the one with the moustache.

We have a highly contested City Council election, with 5 candidates vying for 2 seats, $700 a month, and an oppertunity to get yelled at by Tod Schlesinger.

Incumbent Cal Hinton may be older than John McCain, but is still capable of stopping an automobile with his body.

Incumbent Pete DeJarnatt, also known as “the quiet Beatle”, has done his part to make Council meetings shorter. Plays a mean sitar.

Mary Ann Nihart was voted in High School “Most likely to negotiate a Middle East peace accord”. Pacifica might be a slightly tougher challenge.

Jeffrey Simons didn’t vote in 75% of recent elections, in a risky ploy to court the “non-voting vote”.

Tod Schlesinger consistently mistakes City Council meetings for pro wrestling matches. If elected he may accidentally assault himself.

I’m rooting for Pete and Mary Ann, with Cal as a respectable alternate. Those who don’t like any 2 candidates may write-in Pacifica’s beloved “Emperor”, frank d. winston. He is no longer alive and it would technically be a demotion, but I would love to see his name in the final tally!

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally, which airs Friday and Saturday night at 10:00 on PCT26 (this weeks’ topic: Tod Schlesinger!). Contact him at ianbutler@netzero.net. His views are not those of the Pacifica Tribune, because a newspaper is an inanimate object and cannot have an opinion.
*But no pressure.

The 2008 Miss Pacifica Local pageant was an even bigger success than last year and came off without a hitch, except for the minor detail of accidentally crowning the wrong contestant. But hey, things like that happen all the time, remember Bush vs. Gore? And unlike Bush vs. Gore, all the contestants were highly qualified, unless you count me.

You may remember that last year I appeared as a “contestant” in a lovely pink dress, but had decided against doing so again – until Rita the pageant director showed me the breathtaking gown she had picked out for me this year. Plus she said I could play a Bedouin guard and wear a jester costume complete with silly hat, which definitely sealed the deal.

So I was on stage when the winner was announced. I feared something was amiss when the time came to announce the winner, but the envelope wasn’t ready. You know how time flies when you are having fun? Well it crawls when you are onstage waiting for an envelope; we were up there long enough to thoroughly reapply our toenail polish.

Finally, after some stalling tactics, including last year’s winner Adrianna Manner telling an inspirational story and me sharing a joke from a 3rd grade joke book,* the envelope arrived. But instead of the winner’s name, it just had the score, which wasn’t much help. (“And the winner is: 237 points!”) Eventually an envelope arrived with names on it, and the lovely redhead Britta Lorenz was crowned Miss Pacifica Local 2008.

The problem was, the judges were supposed to pass their scoresheet to the scorekeeper after each event, so she could add them up as the show progressed, except the judges forgot about that part. This led to a severe case of “math buildup”, requiring the scorer to add everything up during the final song, which is only possible if your name is Einstein, Deep Blue or Rainman. (Full disclosure: my 10 year old daughter was the “scorekeeper’s assistant”, which we had assumed was a spokesmodel position and wouldn’t include any actual math.)

Later when there was time to double check, it turned out that Trisha Callero actually had the most points. But nobody wanted to rip the freshly planted crown off of Britta’s head. Some even felt that by holding their scoresheets too long the judges “cheated” and therefore a mathematical error was as good a way as any to determine the winner. But really it was Tricia’s call – and she showed the winning form that has made her Pacifica’s favorite part-time mermaid, insisting that her friend Britta remain Miss Pacifica Local.

And that’s the way it stood for 5 weeks. But after a while the crown started feeling a little heavy on Britta’s head. (Princess grooming tip: it’s okay to take it off for sleeping and hair washing.) She eventually “abdicated” her crown to Trisha just in time for FogFest, which may be the first time in Pacifica’s history someone correctly used the word “abdicated” in the first person. Britta is now getting involved with the Beach Coalition and enjoying her crown-free lifestyle.

Thus, Tricia made the FogFest trifecta, simultaneously appearing as a mermaid, Guinevere in the Spindrift play Camelot, and Miss Pacifica Local. Some spectators were confused, like when the producers of Bewitched replaced Dick York with Dick Sargent, on the grounds that they were both Dicks. In this case they were both redheads, but that is where the physical similarities end (For one thing, Tricia has a tail).

So it all worked out okay. I used to think beauty pageants were pointless, but I’ve seen the positive effect it can have on it’s participants, including this year’s third contestant Tiffany Herbert, who despite being outnumbered represented the non-redheaded demographic admirably. But it has to be done right. Here are my recommendations for future pageants:
1.    More contestants. In three years we have had a total of 7, or an average of 2 1/3. There must be a plethora of girls in town that would like to play dress-up and cut ribbons for a year.
2.    Crown the correct contestant the first time, even if it requires a hand recount of all hanging chads.
3.    An adult scorekeeper’s assistant that likes math.
4.    Rather than one person running the show and making up all the rules, a committee of several people running the show and making up all the rules.
5.    More cowbell.

We were fortunate that the girls all had a good attitude this year, but some take this stuff pretty seriously, and some of their parents are lawyers if you get my drift. In the meantime, we have an actual election coming up, let’s make sure we get that one right!

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26. Contact him at ianbutler@netzero.net
*Q. Why are gorilla’s nostrils so big? A. Have you seen the size of their fingers?

I admit it; I had started to give up on the Styrofoam ordinance.  I figured with “Silly Season” here, the Council was going to pass the buck until after the election. (By “Silly Season” I mean the time when the wheels of government grind to a halt while candidates try out their stand-up comedy material.)

The lowest point came that fateful afternoon, when my daughter Serenity and I went to the creek that we have been cleaning up for a year, and it was – to use the scientific term – totally gross. There were plastic bags full of muck, hundreds of Styrofoam pellets, and it smelled like the wastewater treatment plant on one of those days when there is more wastewater than treatment.  Worst of all, there were no frogs at all – just hundreds of flies running roughshod in marauding gangs. A year ago, there were so many frogs you couldn’t walk without stepping on one, but now you couldn’t step on one if you tried (not that I would have tried).

There are two possibilities as to why the frogs were gone. One is that the water is so polluted that they all got sick and died. This is pretty likely. I had tested the water, and it was roughly the equivalent of living in the basement of an outhouse. But there were hundreds of frogs at the time I tested the water, and they seemed okay then. So what had changed?

Well, for one thing, there is no longer all the litter that we cleaned up since last year. Could it be that by removing a ton of plastic and Styrofoam from the area, we had inadvertently taken away critical shelter that somehow made an uninhabitable habitat halfway habitable?

Those were the doubts creeping through my mind that day as we cleaned up the latest batch of garbage from the lifeless creek. It was so gross I almost added to the mess by losing my lunch, and couldn’t even eat dinner that evening. I moped over to the City Council meeting on an empty (and rather queasy) stomach.

So I was pleasantly surprised that night when the Council voted 6 out of 5 to move forward on a Styrofoam ordinance (in addition to the entire Council, candidate Mary Ann Nihart voiced her support). I went from pleasantly surprised to totally freaked out when I got home and a red-legged frog jumped out from under my couch*. Yes that’s right, I had an endangered amphibian beneath my furniture, which is probably illegal, and you probably don’t believe me anyway. Nevertheless, it is true, and although I don’t actually believe in signs, I’ll make an exception in this case.

Any doubts you may have are perfectly justified, I have a history of falsifying frog manifestations. When my boy Irie was a child, whenever he made a wish, such as while blowing out birthday candles or dandelions (when they are on fire), he would always make the same wish: for a little frog to appear in his hands. I would suggest that he wish for something a little more practical, such as a motorcycle with training wheels, but he always insisted on the frog. He’d close his eyes, wish with all his might, and be heartbroken when it didn’t appear.

So one day I caught a frog in our yard and called him over, “Irie, blow on this dandelion and make a wish”. Just as he opened his eyes, I slipped the frog into his hands. He was completely fooled and had the same look of wonder that I had the first time I opened an email from a Nigerian prince. For a long time he believed in his ability to conjure frogs, until years later when I broke down and told him the truth, that Santa Claus did it.

So when the frog jumped out from the couch I half expected it to be a prank, maybe some kind of payback, but everyone else was sound asleep, so it appears the frog showed up of it’s own volition. I was so excited I woke my wife Avril, told her what happened and slipped the frog to her in the dark. In retrospect, this probably wasn’t such a good idea, but she was a good sport about it, after I pried her from the ceiling.

I can’t help but think the frog wanted to show its’ thanks to the Council, the Beach Coalition, and all the volunteers who work to make Pacifica a little more hospitable for our amphibious neighbors. Or maybe it just took a wrong turn at the swamp.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to re-spackle the bedroom ceiling.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally which airs on PCT 26 at 10:00 Friday and Saturday night, except when it accidentally doesn’t. Contact him at ianbutler@netzero.net
*At least it appeared to my untrained eye to be a red-legged frog, although it may have been a chorus frog disguised as a red-legged for the government protection.

Once again California Coastal Cleanup Day is approaching, when the entire state of California gets together and picks up all the junk we’ve left on the beaches over the summer. Everything from sunglasses, suntan lotion and beach towels (in the southern part of the state), to hoodies, hand warmers and wool blankets (in Pacifica).

Just kidding, sort of. Actually, plastic is the most prevalent item throughout the world’s beaches, primarily found in the four plastic food groups: plastic bags (1 million collected last year worldwide), plastic bottles (1.5 million), cigarette butts (3 million) and teeny-weeny Styrofoam pellets (way too many to count).

Why is there so much plastic on our beaches? The cryptic spam email I received this morning with the subject line of, “Supply Plastic daily products on wholesales” only hints at the ominous nature of the problem. One thing is for sure, it is possible to sail across the Pacific in a boat made of 15,000 plastic bottles, as evidenced by the recent voyage of Marcus Eriksen and Joel Paschal. They sailed right through the Great Pacific Garbage Patch on a junk named Junk made of plastic junk, to prove that the ancient Polynesians may have once done the same thing.

Such a voyage may be a bit daunting for the average Pacifican, but if you could help clean up the beaches on September 20th that would be a start. Those of you who planned to participate in the last Earth Day cleanup but were deterred by the gale force winds - this is your chance to participate without having sand particles permanently embedded in your face. I got involved last year, and now have a serious case of OCLD (Obsessive Compulsive Litter Disorder), which means that I cannot be in the same zip code as a piece of litter without being compelled to apprehend it and read it it’s rights.

Of course, picking up litter is only going after the symptom, and not the root cause, which is our disposable society. To that end many cities in California are passing ordinances limiting the use of plastic bags and Styrofoam.  For instance, Malibu has made it illegal to sail a ship made out of plastic bags unless they are biodegradable bags. Pacifica is considering a Styrofoam foodware ordinance, although there is some resistance from people who have grown accustomed to the taste of toxic chemicals leaching into their food.

Speaking of food, the Slow Food Nation event just wrapped up in San Francisco, reminding me how lucky we are to have so many slow food options here in Pacifica - and no, I’m not just talking about the Linda Mar Taco Bell on a sunny weekend. Soon we will even have our first organic restaurant, The Green Enchilada, which is being opened by Joe Murillo, owner of Pacifica Farmer’s Market. (Not Pacifica’s actual farmer’s market, but the grocery store called Pacifica Farmer’s Market, which deserves some slack since it was here first.)

Last week I went to Linda Mar beach with Clark Natwick, Pacifica’s official Snowy Plover spotter, where we saw 8 of the little critters nesting in the sand. I can see why they are threatened, their nest is indistinguishable from a toddlers’ footprint. It is important to keep your dog on a leash there, except maybe during the months of June and July, when the microclimate savvy birds apparently fly south for the summer.

I recently teamed up with local drummer Larry Arndt, A.K.A. “Lawrence of Oblivion”, who will be performing with me at the Coastal Cleanup Day after party, as well as the Fog Fest. Larry rides his bike to work every day – from Vallemar to San Francisco! Apparently he has a small biofuel refinery in his intestines capable of converting granola into “bicyclediesel”. Larry works at the Academy of Science in Golden Gate Park, which is having it’s grand re-opening on the same weekend as the Fog Fest. It’s going to be amazing, but not nearly amazing enough to miss the Fog Fest, so don’t even think about it Larry!

That’s not our only scheduling conflict, the City Council candidates’ debate is taking place at the same time as the beach cleanup. There is a solution for those of you who wish to do both: you can pick up litter anytime between now and then, document it on a special form, and turn the form in on Coastal Cleanup Day, right after grilling the candidates on their views on such important environmental issues as a Styrofoam ban and mandatory tampon mulching.  See you there!

For a beach cleanup form call Lynn at 355-1668. Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26 Friday and Saturday night at 10:00. ianbutler@netzero.net

It’s that time of year again in Pacifica, a time I call the Dog Sled Days Of Summer.  The days when the weather report warns of heat waves and sunstroke, but around here our biggest concern is actually hypothermia. Just when we’ve had enough and consider moving to a sunnier location  (such as London), Pacifica gives us one of those glorious summer days that make it all seem worthwhile (not unlike an abusive lover).

Some Pacificans suffer from an actual ailment called Seasonal Affective Disorder, or S.A.D. These people are prone to depression and irritability in the winter, and by winter I mean anytime it is foggy, especially summer. All of us experience it to some degree, which explains the bipolar nature of our city in general, expressed by the following mathematical formula: sunny weather=happy people/foggy weather=grumpy people.

If you were to chart the weather records with past letters to the editor and Riptide blogs, you would probably find a direct correlation between the level of fog and the level of rancor, although I’m too lazy to actually check myself, on account of all the fog.

So next time you find yourself getting mad at the City Council, take a deep breath and blame them for the weather situation, then demand they do something about it. Such as:

1.    Create a color-coded fog alert system.  (Blue:  the beach is safe, Yellow: head for the back of the valley, Red: retreat to San Bruno, Grey: evacuate to Tracy.)
2.    Install fog-activated horns, similar to the tsunami sirens.
3.    Build special warming stations with giant sunlamps in key neighborhoods.
4.    Add antidepressants to the water supply when the solar level drops below a minimum threshold.
5.    Issue excuse slips for our employers as needed.
6.    Shut down the gun store during extreme fog events.
7.    Pass out emergency sweaters to endangered tourists.
8.    Increase our greenhouse gas emissions.
9.    Initiate an “At Least We Aren’t Seattle” advertising campaign.
10.    Leave street lamps on during the day. This will also contribute to #8.

In the meantime, there are plenty of good things happening around town to keep our minds off of the weather. For one thing, after only 50 years of existence, Pacifica finally has its first Indian restaurant. I went to Oceans of India the night after it opened and the food was great, judging by the fact that there wasn’t any left by the time I got there.

Also opening, Palmetto Organic Grocery, featuring organic produce, organic garbage bags, and free-range latex condoms. They get their produce from a farm near Sacramento, which works out great because produce grows better there, but keeps better here.

The recent Daniel Castro concert at The Sanchez rocked so hard they blew out the power and Daniel finished the night by serenading the crowd with his unplugged Dobro. It was a magical way to end the show, and I recommend they do that every night from now on, like the James Brown cape routine.

Pacifica Film night featured a movie about the Trips Festival, an SF concert in 1965 that some consider the world’s first rave. The movie included interviews of both of the participants that can still remember it.

For years we have been begging Trader Joes to open a store here to no avail, but now we are getting the next best thing: Fresh & Easy, which is like a cute little teeny-weeny Trader Joes. The chain, which is opening its first peninsula store in Pedro Point, is able to cram its goods into a smaller area by the judicious use of ampersands. They reportedly have unbeatable prices on 5 packs of beer, 11 packs of eggs, and a bakers half-dozen muffins.

My personal favorite place for a foggy Wednesday is the farmers market. There’s nothing like a just-picked local strawberry to perk up a gray summer day. That and a 10 minute chair massage from Michelle Coxon, although she has to work extra hard to massage me through my parka. Saucy Joes Knife Sharpening is also excellent, but should be avoided on particularly depressing days.

So don’t despair. Fall is just around the corner, and with it the promise of glorious fall weather.  We will then finally need sunscreen and bathing suits, just after Rite-Aid stops stocking them.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26, which is broadcast at 10:00 on Friday and Saturday nights. ianbutler@netzero.net

After eight months of writing this column I finally got my first hate mail (or rather hate blog, on PacificaRiptide.com), and it’s a keeper!  It’s from a woman named “Kat” and includes this descriptive gem: “…columnists like Ian Butler make me want to throw up in the paper and send it to him.”  Wow. I first would like to thank Kat on behalf of my letter carrier for her restraint. I  further recommend that if she plans to read the column online, she should invest in a vomit proof laptop.

My letter carrier may have been spared from delivering Kat’s aromatic “feedback”, but she recently delivered a mysterious email into my mailbox. (Yes, email. Apparently someone doesn’t grasp this internet thing). It was a paper copy of an email from a group called Pacifica Business for Responsible Government, informing Barbara Arrietta that they were kicking her out. Usually getting kicked out of something is considered bad, but believe me, this email would look great in a resume! (Perhaps that’s why she forwarded it around town.)

It said they were letting her go because she’s a “mover and shaker” with a penchant for “negotiation and consensus”, which is “contradictory to the adversarial position that PBRG takes”. Um, isn’t that like divorcing someone for good manners, or firing them for working well with others? If like me, you’ve been wondering why some people take an “adversarial position” to pretty much everything the city does, it’s apparently a PBRG membership requirement!

Not sure if Tod Schlesinger is in their group, but he’s in no danger of being kicked out for “negotiation and consensus”. I went on after him at the June 9th City Council meeting, and in 25 years of performing, he is my second worst opening act ever (just behind the Spastic Colons at the Fab Mab in ‘84).  I‘d come to talk about a Styrofoam foodware ordinance, but before I spoke, he and Mayor Jim Vreeland had the following exchange:

“I came here for an argument.”
“No you didn’t.”

Wait, that was from the Monty Python skit “The Argument Clinic”, but you get the idea. His “adversarial position”, made between personal attacks on the mayor’s manhood, was the importance of not going over 3 minutes (a point that ironically took him 5 minutes to make.) Eventually the chief of police escorted him from the podium, a routine occurrence for the last year and a half. Stunned, I came on after him and mumbled through my 3 minutes, although by this time everyone in the room had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Later, wondering how to prevent future trauma, I remembered a line he used: “What’s good for the goose is good for the gander”, and in a moment of inspiration, got the footage of his rant, which was broadcast on live TV, and uploaded it on YouTube (edited to 3 minutes of course).

I naively imagined that once he saw how he came across on the video, he would magically start behaving himself in a less embarrassing manner, and peace would be restored to the shire. Instead, the next day I got a lawsuit threat on my answering machine. (Apparently, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander – unless the gander sues for slander!) This made me nervous, but according to the lawyers, since the video is public footage of him, he doesn’t really have a case against me, although he may have one against himself.  (His performance can now be viewed at the Gadfly Hall of Fame: http://californiacitynews.typepad.com/californiacitynewsorg/gadfly-hall-of-fame.html )

Several people have said they would like the Council to use other means of controlling such behavior, such as those long canes they use in cartoons, but legally there’s not much they can do. One suggested an alternative public forum modeled on Speaker’s Corner in London’s Hyde Park; while another suggested a TV show on PCT called “Pacifica’s Bigmouths”. I don’t know if that would keep abusive speakers out of the Council meetings, but it might render them very hoarse.

The Council came up with their own creative but unpopular solution to the problem, moving oral communications to the end of the night. In the end they chickened out and just moved them to slightly later in the meeting, which would only weed out those with the earliest of bedtimes.

Freedom of speech is a two edged sword. Our freedom to say what we like is balanced out by the freedom of others to make fun of what we say. In the era of blogs, email and YouTube, we all have to be careful, because anything we say can quickly become public (especially when we say it in a public forum on live TV). In fact the only thing that is still completely private is stuff that is written in newspaper columns. Thank goodness for that.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26. Please direct all vomit free hate mail to ianbutler@netzero.net

Now that the Coastal Commission has approved the first-of-it’s-kind biodiesel facility at the Calera Creek Wastewater Plant, San Francisco is considering a similar design at its Oceanside Water Pollution Control Plant, and yes, it’s the same one SF will be voting to rename the “George W. Bush Memorial Sewage Plant”.

So far the debate has focused on how demeaning this would be to the sewage plant, which after all, efficiently converts something hazardous into something benign. Some feel the name would better suited for a sewer pipe, or even the sewage itself. Supporters are planning a “synchronized flush” when the next president is sworn in, although Paul Addis (the Burning Man arsonist) may try to flush all their toilets a day early.

What does this have to do with our biodiesel plant? Not much, although I find it creepy that it may be replicated at a place named after George Bush. My solution: name it the “President Al Gore Memorial Biodiesel Plant”.

I finally learned the official name of the creek that I have been referring to as the “Secret Waterfall” (the hard to find and heavily polluted site I’ve been cleaning up for the past year). One city worker jokingly referred to it as “Doelger Falls”, after Henry Doelger, who paved over the creek in the 60s. But according to Public Works director Van Ocampo, it’s actually called the Westline Outfall, which is pretty much the most boring name possible, if it can even be considered a name at all.

I propose that we rename it the “Secret Waterfall”, which would look pretty cool on a map (although if it appears on a map it isn’t much of a secret). Judging from what comes out of it, the “George W. Bush Memorial Sewage Waterfall” would certainly be an appropriate alternative.

It was an inspired choice naming the Tunnels after Tom Lantos, who worked tirelessly to secure federal funding for the project. But the full name, “The Tom Lantos Memorial Tunnels at Devil’s Slide” is a little wordy, like “Monster Park at Candlestick Point”. Perhaps it could be shortened to something catchy, like “Tom’s Tunnels”.

I always hoped they would name the Tunnels after Mitch Reid. He’s the guy who used the Freedom of Information Act and a home computer to force Caltrans to admit the only reason they didn’t consider a tunnel in the first place was their manual was missing the chapter on tunnels. Although the “Mitch Reid Tunnels” has a nice ring, he has disqualified himself by remaining very much alive.

Another strong contender: Alfred J. Wiebe (pr. wee-bee), the Coastside’s equivalent of Emperor Norton. The eccentric Mennonite bought Devil’s Slide Rock in 1963, with elaborate plans to build a castle, radio station, apartments and a restaurant on top of the promontory, which he wanted to rename “Monaco West”.

In Barbara VanderWerf’s book “Montara Mountain” she describes how he and a woman who called herself  “Princess Magnette of Belgium” (who had a suspiciously American accent), took reporters up the 200 steps to the top of the promontory to unveil their plans, which also included a $10 million yacht harbor.

Wiebe’s unique life included such notable detours as spending a winter in a giant igloo in Sweden with 10 Vikings and 40 sheep. He once appeared on the Al “Jazzbeaux” Collins TV show, wearing 5 suits and a “thinking cap” consisting of a child’s leggings stuffed with paper. On the show he hawked instructional cassettes explaining how to make his invention, the “Fig Leaf Windmill”, which consisted primarily of a truck rear end sticking out of the ground. But the invention he most wanted to be remembered for: the “7 Day Wash”, essentially burying your laundry in the sand and letting the tide do your clothes (patent pending).

Eventually, Wiebe, who a police officer once admonished by saying “there is a point at which one can be too weird”, sold the property for next to nothing with one condition: the buyer had to frame a photo of him in a toilet seat and hide it in a secret location on the property. Legend has it that the photo, which features Wiebe with one side of his beard shaved off, is still there today. (The rock is strictly off-limits, so don’t even think about looking for the photo, except maybe at night.)

When the Tunnels are completed, sometime during President Obama’s second term, the old stretch of Highway 1 will be converted into a hiking and biking trail. The least we can do is name the trail after Alfred J. Wiebe, at least until it slides into the sea.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26. He insists the facts in this column are true, as far as he knows. ianbutler@netzero.net

Moth Update

Okay, I was wrong to believe the scientists. They said it was necessary to control the Light Brown Apple Moth by spraying us with pheromones (which will make the moths attempt to mate with us instead of each other). Well, those scientists have flip-flopped!

Now they say the best way is to release “sterile” moths into our neighborhoods. I don’t even want to speculate on how they sterilize these moths (insert mothball joke here), but I’m not sure if they have thought this through. For instance, are these moths monogamous?  Introducing sterile individuals will not change the birth rate of a promiscuous species, such as bonobos. If the females are of ill repute, perhaps we should first focus on the education and rehabilitation of these slatternly moth harlots.

Anyway, they say the moths have spread further. Now that they are in my neighborhood I am totally against the spraying.

Ian Dishes the Dirt

I was at the tribune office recently, and Elaine, the paper’s editor, silently flashed me a look that to my trained eye seemed to say “times are tough for newspapers these days, could you please start dishing out the dirt to increase circulation?” although it may have just been indigestion (editor’s note: it was indigestion). Either way, it’s time to take off the kid gloves. Starting with Pete Dejarnatt.

Rumor has it that our mild mannered councilman is also a professional door shortener! Apparently it’s possible to have an actual career in the door length adjustment industry, although it’s sometimes necessary to supplement your income by serving on the City Council, or telemarketing. Like many Pacificans, I’m happy with the length of my door as it is, and don’t want any politicians abusing their power by passing restrictive door length ordinances. I’ve got my eye on you Pete!

Speaking of dirt, Melissa Moss at the Pacifica Community Garden is shamelessly using unpaid child labor!  I know, because my own 10 year-old daughter was recently made to fashion a 3-foot high “compost lasagne” out of sod, table scraps, and goat manure. There is even talk of using innocent schoolchildren to plant vegetables.  It is time to stop exploiting this vulnerable population and find an acceptable source of cheap labor, such as illegal aliens, or their children.

Everyone knows that Pacifica was incorporated on Nov. 22nd, 1957, but did you know that President John F. Kennedy ruined Pacifica’s 6th anniversary by getting shot on Nov. 22nd, 1963? It’s true! Scarlett Johannson lightened the mood considerably by being born on that date in 1984, but Michael Hutchence, the singer of INXS, spoiled it again by hanging himself on Nov. 22nd 1997.
Ron Kino opened his new Ocean Yoga and massage studio right next door to the City Arms gun store.  Ironic coincidence, or a shameful attempt to cash in on all those tense firearm enthusiasts in need of a good massage? I don’t know, but sales are brisk of his “Trigger Finger Itch Balm”.

Did you know that there is a community in Pacifica so isolated that you can only get there by foot? Often compared to Bolinas or Appalachia, these hardy individuals, called “Shelter Covers”, speak their own dialect and fashion crude surfboards out of driftwood.  They are fiercely protective of their secret location, and immediately tear down any sign that might give away their whereabouts. But I will break the silence and tell you how to find them - just look for the place with no sign.

Okay, time to dish the really juicy dirt  (technically called mud), as in a “famous person, behaving badly.” How about Brian Boitano, he famous enough for you? A few years ago I was working for Brian, the Olympic gold medalist immortalized by the South Park song, “That’s What Brian Boitano Would Do”, when I accidentally broke the water fountain in his courtyard.

Most rich and famous people in this situation would probably say, “Don’t worry about it, I’m rich and you are a poor laborer with children to feed, here is some extra cash for your stress.” But not Brian Boitano. He made me pay the full $850 to fix the fountain.  I paid it, but enclosed a letter with the check that said, “Here is the money for the fountain. I reserve the right to tell the story about when I broke Brian Boitano’s fountain and he was a cheapskate and made me pay for it.” That story has now been told, and you now know what Brian Boitano would really do.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26. He acknowledges that Mr. Boitano isn’t a Pacifican, but his ex-tree trimmer is. ianbutler@netzero.net

Now that the hills are tinder dry and the skies brown with the smoke of rampant wildfires, it’s time for all patriotic Pacificans to get hammered and blow up enormous fireworks, if last year is any indication.

If the Founding Fathers thought we would be getting bombed and lighting bombs on the 4th of July, they would have made it earlier in the fire season, such as Cinco de Mayo. Since that date is already taken, perhaps we should focus on safer American traditions; such as baking apple pies, throwing water balloons, and breaking treaties.

Because, let’s face it, this fireworks business is getting out of hand. A few years ago I went to the official fireworks show in El Grenada, which I would charitably describe as “cute”, as in “cute little sparkly lights in the sky making cute little noises”.  It was fun, although I almost fell asleep at the end.

Then I drove back to Pacifica, and when I came around the last corner into Linda Mar, it was like I had somehow transported myself into World War 3 - only louder!  Huge explosions filled the air and shook the ground, the sky ablaze with color and it sounded like someone set off the old Nike warhead on Sweeney ridge.

It was so loud I suddenly wanted to be somewhere more peaceful, such as a mosh pit, or Afghanistan.  I went home to find my dogs cowering in the corner, convinced that they had only minutes to live. I’m sure the night took several dog years off of their lives.  The only upside to the cacophony was that it probably scared all the Light Brown apple Moths all the way to Colma.

Of course, the only legal fireworks are the “safe and Sane” kind, but we all know they are a gateway drug to the “Unsafe and Insane” variety.  And these days the kids know how to make a major bomb out of 5 Piccolo Petes and a 2 liter bottle, which you should never attempt (in fact, you already know too much).

The problem is, fireworks are a major source of revenue for our youth sport teams. If we banned them the teams would have to resort to other funding sources, such as handgun sales, medical marijuana dispensaries, or baked goods.  Another option would be for the kids to get off-season jobs in countries with less restrictive child-labor laws, possibly even manufacturing fireworks.

But none of these options are realistic, so for now the city has decided to crack down on illegal fireworks, with a $1,000 fine, plus a stern lecture, for each offense.  I don’t know where the money will go, but if we catch enough offenders, we could make up our budget shortfall, and get the Little Leaguers new balls.

Unfortunately, it’s nearly impossible to catch anyone, because by the time a big bottle rocket goes off, it’s in another voter precinct. The only way to succeed would be to round everyone up, declare them enemy combatants, and instigate Guantanamo Bay style interrogations. This could be complicated by the enemy’s superior firepower.

Which brings us back to where we started, a nature loving city whose name means peace, that once a year turns it’s open space into a battlefield.

Maybe the problem lies with our national anthem. There is something about “The rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air” that makes you want to blow stuff up, whereas “America the Beautiful” just makes you want to take pictures.

This may also explain why our nation is prone to get into wars that we later regret. For instance, I just read that Pacifica’s share of the Iraq war so far is $114 million, which looks like it must be a typo. That’s enough cash for 1,600 teachers (roughly one per student) or 25 million gallons of gas.  For that kind of money I would expect a state of the art war, with no casualties, designer body armor, and an exit strategy. If this is the best we can do, I would rather go with the 1,600 school teachers.

To that end, the Pacifica Peace People (www.pacificapeacepeople.net) are circulating a petition, asking the City Council to call for a withdrawal of US troops from Iraq.  It would be a strictly symbolic gesture, but 300 cities have already made similar symbolic gestures.  Personally,  I would rather focus on changing the national anthem. My choice? The stirring yet easy to sing ballad known as “The Barney Song”:

I love you, you love me,
We’re a happy family
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you
Won’t you say you love me too.

Just try rushing off to war singing that!

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26. ianbutler@netzero.net

Warning. This column contains math.

You know those Hollywood movies where the endings are way too implausible to take seriously? That’s how the Measure N election results have me feeling - desperately seeking more disbelief to suspend.

On election night, the Measure, which would provide critical funding for our schools, was winning by a scant 12 votes; the next day it was losing by about twice that; then on Friday the 13th, with all the votes finally counted, it was barely winning - by one measly vote! As one frantic supporter said, “Please remain seated with your seatbelt fastened until the ride comes to a complete stop”.

Now for the math part: there were 8,532 votes cast. If you divide that into thirds, one third would be 2,844 - which is exactly how many no votes were cast, and two thirds would be 5,688 - which is exactly how many yes votes were cast. In a sane world, this would mean that the measure kicked major butt. But in post Prop 13 California, a 2/3 vote is required for a tax increase, which leaves the Measure 1 measly vote away from oblivion.

So this town is understandably nervous. If we somehow lose a vote and end up in the loss column, 66% of us will be despondent to the point of being unable to procreate, which is just as well because the schools wouldn’t be able to educate our kids anyway.  In fact, if this thing loses, they may end up functionally illiterate (but able to read music, thanks to the Rob Schneider Music Foundation).

It’s already pretty bad. These days kids bring their teachers an apple - just so they don’t starve. At the start of school year we got a list of school supplies to purchase, such as pencils, paper, electrical tape, drywall and spackle. I shudder to think what might get added to the list if Measure N goes down – asphalt? Teachers?

But for the moment at least, it is still winning, which is pretty amazing. It’s not easy to get two thirds of us to agree on anything, even the fact that “kittens are cute and the sky is blue” as someone put it (although this time of year the sky is usually white). Getting 2/3 of us to agree that we should fork over an extra $93 a year? The only way that would seem possible is to bribe everyone with $94 a year.

It’s not only the schools that are low on cash. Our families, businesses, cities, state, nation and planet are in similar straits.

Take Vallejo for instance - please. Seriously, they are the poster child for disadvantaged cities - the municipal equivalent of those starving children in the UNICEF ads. They are $17 million dollars in the hole but still can afford to spend $2 million in bankruptcy court.

Of course, that’s chump change compared to Half Moon Bay, which was ordered to pay $36.8 million to a developer named ‘Chop’ Keenan, for accidentally turning a dirt lot into a wetland, which now is inhabited by approximately 36.8 threatened red-legged frogs.  This puts the frogs at a value of one million dollars per frog, which equals (warning: more math ahead) some freakin’ expensive frogs.

And don’t think Pacifica is immune from expensive frog-related litigation. The Peebles Corporation is complaining that Pacifica may have created a frog habitat on its property by not doing anything.

And if something like that happens to us, we will be sharing a cramped cell with Vallejo and Half Moon Bay, because our budget is about as tight as the Incredible Hulk’s underpants. Our annual budget is traditionally “all available funds plus one meellion dollars”, which we always seem to miraculously meet using whatever money the city can find in it’s seat cushions.

Even Colma, the state’s best-funded city, is having problems by their standards, which means the city may stop providing it’s residents with free cable - and the people are complaining about it! Here’s an actual quote: “We’re happy that we have free cable … if they cut it off, the residents would not like that.” Sounds like the guy at the party who whines that he made too much money and his taxes are killing him.

The city says they are a million short, and only have $17 million in reserves, so at this rate they might run out of money in 17 years. Don’t you just hate them?

Colma’s whining notwithstanding, times are tough for everyone these days. Whatever happens with Measure N, we have to figure a way to make this world a better place for our children, but not for our children’s children, because I don’t think children should be having children.

Ian Butler is host of Laugh Locally on PCT 26. He agrees that kittens are in fact cute. ianbutler@netzero.net www.ianbutlermusic.com